Charlie the Police Chief
by ButterflyMouse
Summary: Set during Eclipse. Emmett concocts a plan to distract Charlie so Edward can steal something from him - which he has every right to steal mind you. Inspired by Charlie the Unicorn. Slightly OOC Emmett - he's really childish.


**Charlie the Police Chief**

**Warning: This story is just a bit of fun, its pretty stupid and certainly not the greatest thing I've ever written. You need to have seen Charlie the Unicorn for it to make sense. Rated T for language. Hopefully funny.  
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**Disclaimer: Brent Robinson owns Charlie the Unicorn and Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight characters. I'm just tarnishing their names.

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**CharliePOV**

Saturday morning. I didn't have work, Billy and I weren't going fishing, I had nothing on whatsoever. So, naturally, I was sleeping in. At least that was the plan. I heard my name called over and over again and my brain forced itself to alertness.

**JasperPOV**

The chief was sleeping in his arm chair for some reason, and Emmet was leaning over him, trying to make the poor man wake up.

"Heeeey Charlie, hey Charlie, wake up! Charlie! You silly sleepyhead! Wake uuuup"

I stared at my brother incredulously. "Are you out of your mind? The poor guy is trying to sleep. Lets just come back later."

"Come on Jazz! Don't give up now! We're on a mission!"

I rolled my eyes "I'm sure Edward could stand to wait a couple more hours"

"True, but waking him up is part of The Plan, so just go with it!"

He then resumed repeating Charlie's name over and over again in the most ridiculous voice I had ever heard. My brother was an idiot.

**CharliePOV**

I woke to the sight of having someone else's face just inches from mine.

"Jesus!" I shouted and leaped up in shock. Luckily the face had got out of the way quickly. I took a moment to review the situation. I had fallen asleep in my armchair and woken up to two of the Cullen boys in my living room. It had been Emmett's face I had seen.

"Whats going on here? This better be important."

Emmet looked wounded and Jasper rolled his eyes "Of course its important Charlie! We found a map Charlie! A map to Candy mountain! Candy mountain Char-lie! Its a land of hope and joy, and joyness!"

Was he even entirely sane? "Aren't you boys supposed to be at college?"

"We're home for the weekend. Overnight flight" supplied Jasper.

"Right!" Emmet agreed, but then Carlisle had to work, and Esme has an interior design deadline and Edward interrupted her and was grounded because of it -"

Edward was grounded? I liked the sound of that.

"He's only allowed out during Bella's visiting hours" interrupted Jasper.

Damn.

"Anyway" continued Emmet "We were bored, and wanted to do something with someone, so we figured we could go on an adventure with you Charlie"

Jasper pointed at Emmet. "He figured"

"Isn't great Charlie! We're going on an adventure! It'll be an adventuuuuuuure!"

Definitely not sane, and I had no intention of spending my day off being dragged around the country side by a delinquent youth and his brother.

"That's great, why don't you boys run along? I'll stay here. Maybe sleep a while longer..."

Emmet pouted and started jumping up and down. The house was shaking.

"No Charlie! You have to come with us! You have to come with us to candy mountain!"

"Please stop bouncing!" I was worried about the house's foundations. He didn't stop. "Alright! Fine! I'll go with you to candy mountain, just please stop bouncing"

"Yay!" Shouted Emmet and grabbed my wrist, pulling me out the door. Damn did that boy have a grip!

Jasper followed after us, shaking his head.

**Jasper POV**

Together we lead Charlie out of the house and into the woods. I saw Edward sneak into the house behind us and he gave me an apologetic smile. I sighed and returned to my previous task. Namely, ignoring Emmet. He was an idiot. For some reason, my adoptive brother had decided that it would be a good idea to repeat the syllable 'la' over and over again in some strange, broken, out of key, tune. But I didn't know this. Because I was ignoring him.

**Charlie POV**

I didn't know why I was still following this idiot? (It was clear the Jasper was a victim in this situation as much as I was) I think that if he hadn't had such a strong grip on my wrist, I'd have turned around and gone back to the house a while ago. The boy needed serious mental help.

Just as I was about to demand that he let go, he stopped and pointed ahead.

"Our first stop is over there Charlie!"

"What on Earth is that thing?" It looked like a giant, stuffed, toy dinosaur that had seen better days.

"Its a leopleurodon Charlie! Magical leopleurodon! It will guide our way to Candy Mountain mountain!" I stared at him. Jasper stared at him. Emmet stared at the 'leopleurodon' and the leoplurodon didn't stare at anything because it was a toy and couldn't see.

After a little while Emmet jumped and shouted,

"It has spoken! It has shown us the way"

This seemed like too much for Jasper. "Emmett! Its a _toy_! It didn't _say_ anything!"

I'd like to say that this shut Emmet up. I really wish I could say that. But I would be lying.

"Shun the non believer! Shuuuuuunnnnn! Shhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-ne!"

Emmet turned to me and glared. "You're not shunning!" he whined.

"Ahhh....Shun?" I tried.

"Much better"

**Jasper POV**

Have I mentioned lately that my brother is an idiot?

**Charlie POV**

This was really getting out of hand. Emmett had lead us back to the road and to the bridge that lead out of town. We must have walked for a mile at least.

"Now boys, this has been....ahh...interesting, but I really think I should start heading back now-"

"But you can't go back now Charlie! We're almost there! Its just over this bridge Charlie! This magical bridge, of hope, and wonderrr."

"It's a road bridge Emmett. Not for pedestrians. Seriously Emmett, we shouldn't be on this thing"

"Charlie" called Emmett "_Chaaar_liie! Chaaaaaarliiiieeeee!"

"I'm right here! What do you want!?"

He grinned stupidly. "We're on a bridge Charlie!"

**Jasper POV**

I was really working hard to keep Charlie's suspicion levels to a minimum. It was getting harder and harder to keep them under control, especially considering the aversion he already held to our family. I couldn't help but wonder if we weren't doing Edward more harm than good on the Charlie front, but Emmet was set on The Plan and Edward would take what he could get. Still, as we got closer to the 'mountain' and Charlie's suspicion hit a spike, I began to worry.

**Charlie POV**

"Wait!" I stopped. This was beginning to feel familiar. Stupid singing, a leoplurodon, a supposedly magical bridge....I was certain I'd heard something like this before.....

I groaned. It was that ridiculous unicorn animation Bells had made me watch once. It was awful, no wonder I'd forgotten it. I tried to remember what happened next....shit.

"You guys aren't going to steal my kidney are you?"

Jasper snorted. "You can relax Charlie, Emmet may be mad, but he's not _that_ mad"

"Yeah, why would I want a kidney? And if I did, why wouldn't I just _buy_ one? Carlisle's a doctor, he can get kidneys. Right?"

"Riiight"

**Jasper POV**

Why exactly was Emmet so set on The Plan? It was nearly my turn to participate in this ridiculous charade and I was _not_ looking forward to it.

After about another mile of walking, we came to our destination. Charlie seemed stunned.

"Well, what do you know? There really is a candy mountain."

Of course there was. We were the Cullens, if _anyone_ was going to be able to construct a mountain out of candy, it was us.

"Candy mountain! Candy mountain! You fill me with sweet sugary goodness!" I really couldn't help but think that Emmett was taking this too far. "Go inside the candy mountain cave Charlie!"

"Yes Charlie," I agreed, in my most sarcastic voice "Go inside the cave, magical wonders that behold when you enter". Remind me why agreed to this again?

Charlie's suspicion spiked again and I tried to calm him, to no avail.

"Are you guys sure you're not trying to steal my kidney?"

I rolled my eyes. We had no intention of stealing any body parts (or fluids, my thirst was well sated thank you very much) from Charlie, Emmet was just going to trap him in the cave for a few hours. "I promise you Charlie, we have no need for you kidney"

"And if that didn't convince you" continued Emmett "Jasper, will now sing one of the most awesome songs in the universe! You won't be able to resist going in after that!"

I glared at my brother. He was sooo, not my favorite person right now.

I knew that there was no way of getting out of singing the song properly without getting in trouble from either Emmet or Alice, so I sang all the words, in tune, in a happy, chirpy voice. BUT I accompanied it with an emo dance which was sure to piss Emmett off.

_Oh when your down and looking for some cheering up,_

_then just head right on up to the candy mountain cave, _

_when you get inside, you'll find yourself a cheeeery land,_

_such a happy and joy-filled and perky merry land. _

_They've got lollipops and gummy drops and candy things, _

_oh so many things that will brighten up your day,_

_its impossible to wear frown in candy town, _

_its the mecca of lovely candy cave.. _

_they've got jelly beans and coconuts with little hats, _

_candy mats, chocolate bats, its a wonderland of sweets, _

_ride the candy train to town and hear the candy band, _

_candy bells, its a treat as they march across the land, _

_cherry ribbons stream across the sky and into the ground, _

_turn around, it astounds, its the dancing candy tree, _

_and the candy canes imaginations runs so free, _

_so now Charlie please will you go in. to. the. Cave?_

I had no plans on blowing myself up.

**CharliePOV**

At some point during their ridiculous song, a cog in my brain clicked into place and it occurred to me that there _was_ something they might be trying to steal. Something which might explain why they were bothering me at all. After all, I'd have to be an idiot to believe a word they'd said to me today. Hurriedly, I pulled my mobile phone out of my pocket and dialed my home number. No answer. I tried again. No answer. The third try gave similar results.

Damn it! They stole my daughter!

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**Please Review, I won't even mind if you just complain about the minutes of your life I've wasted. I know it didn't fit _Charlie the Unicorn_ exactly, but trust me, it works better this way.**


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